16 things I have learned (thus far) from living in Los Angeles.
1.) Do not assume the furthest righthand lane is a traffic lane. It is not. There are cars parked there. You will hit them.
2.) Do not expect a pleasant response from complimenting anyone, ANYONE on Robertson/Melrose/3rd street/Beverly Hills in general. They will patronize you no matter what with their big sunglasses (which they obviously wear inside).
3.) The nicer/more expensive the store, the more useless, unhelpful and rude the sales people get. I don’t understand it… what do they think they are, famous or something!?! (answer: yes).
4.) For some reason, all girls sound the same in Los Angeles. It’s this congested whining noise and they drag out vowels for way too long. STOP IT.
5.) Do not underestimate the importance of the bathroom trip before getting into your car at 3PM (or anytime, for that matter) headed for the 405 North. Your bladder will thank you for this when you are stuck at a literal standstill in the same place for 10 minutes at a time. (*note, that old yogurtland container sitting in your car will serve you well in the event of a true catastrophe, so do not throw it out.)
6.) Do not assume, ever, that metermaids will have any mercy on you.
7.) Do not assume, ever, that metermaids have souls.
8.) Your neighbors in South Central collect cans in shopping carts, and you casually wave to them and yell “Good morning!” while jogging in a pair of $90 lululemon shorts. Why, yes, I do go to USC.
9.) Billboards in South Central advertise bail bonds and dental implants. This is totally normal.
10.) People in Little Tokyo do not understand or speak english and are in denial of living in America (and I like it).
11.) The majority of the Los Angeles population does not speak or understand english, either (this, however, can be frustrating.)
12.) Back-up cams on cars are the best things ever invented.
13.) I’m sorry, but Crumbs cupcakes are not good. They taste like old chap-stick.
14.) Katsuya has the creepiest art work ever. The clumpy close-ups of mascara are not appetizing and, quite frankly, upset me.
15.) Security guards at the MOCA can detect premeditated camera phone usage. It’s basically like Minority Report. You will never win (unless you’re Tom Cruise).
16.) That being said, Scientology really isn’t a joke. Los Angeles is doomed.
Update: An exchange after I posted this between myself and Lincoln Jesser (His music is dope. Check it out: strangers by Pace)
umm you know you want to readdd itttt… I wish i could be humble about these things, but i just can’t.
Lincoln: hahajust did i like it although i think youre too hard on metermaids…that’s literally entirely what their job consists of….dont give them the opportunity to ticket you!!! haha
Me: I will be hard on them. they are unforgivable soulless baby eaters. they ticketed me for literally being 10 minutes over the 1 hour limit.is that really all they aspire to be in life? mood crushers? money stealers? unforgiving douche bags? they must be huge pricks you couldn’t be in that job and not be a huge prick. i would feel badly giving tickets.
Lincoln: hahahh aiiight
Me: I am a good person.
Lincoln: just sayin if they didnt ticket youwhere should they draw the line?
Me: give someone some fucking slack like sorry linc but 10 minutes is really upsetting and fucking rude.you’re just trying to pick a fight now but you won’t win because you KNOW IT’S ASSFUCKING LAME
Lincoln: haha im not trying to pick a fight ! it’s just im trying to help you avoid the 6th ticket
Lincoln: they dont show compassion for ppl who are a little late because
Me: you are helping out a lot
Lincoln: it’s people like youuuu who do it over and over again…so if they show mercy you wont learn youre lessonim sorry dont be mad i love you
Me: you are the most obnoxious person ever. I write a blog
Lincoln: it’s none of my business!
Me: and you nit pick. you should go be a fucking meter maid
Lincoln: im sorry im just trying to help, i think your logic on this one is flawed if everyone was 10 minutes late to their cars, 1) the city would lose a fuck ton of money, 2) there would be worse parking availability than there currently is
Me: lincoln it is not about the logicit is about the quality of people WHO THE FUCKWANTS TO BE A METERMAID?THEY ARE ASSHOLES
Lincoln: luce, im sure it’s not their dream job
Me: EVEN IF THE RULES THEY IMPLEMENT MAKE SENSETHEY ARE STILL ASSHOLES
Lincoln: not everyone is born with a legitimate chance to go to sc and be a boss
Me: there are other jobs that one could aspire to be.
Lincoln: but i agreemetermaids are shitty
Me: you are shittygo awayI am so annoyed with you I hate you i just wanted to write
Lincoln: wuv youdont worry im the same way…any time i dont get an a i automatically hate my teacher
Me: a witty blog post that simultaneously relieved my pissy attitude about the situation
Lincoln: well i think the blog post is really good and funny
Me: and you go and you point a big red lousy finger at me and try to take away the one little light I have in the situation. so you are now in the same grouping as metermaids to me: SOULLESS RUTHLESS BLOOD SUCKING BABY FUCKERS/eaters.
Lincoln: ew i would never eat something i had fucked. well…nvm
Me: go away now
Me: you just made me feel a whole new level of bad
Lincoln: i have class anyways
ME: me too. BYE
Lincoln: my work here is done