Carpe-diem that $h!t
Exerting energy used to be so easy and now it isn’t. I tried to do the monkey bars the other day (fail) and couldn’t understand how in the name of god I was ever able to skip bars and go backwards. It was really hard and I realized right then and there that I had finally hit the physical point of no return–> i am not a child. Fuck.
That’s cool though, I mean… I like driving a car and no I don’t pay my own taxes yet and yeah I buy groceries and make weird and exotic dinners because I can/because I don’t have to worry about things like paying taxes (yet). Life is not bad. So then why do I insist on being a lazy fuck? I used to be able to run around and jump and scream for the damned pleasure of feeling those sensations. Now, the gym seems like a mean joke. Those people that get up every morning at 6 and go to the gym for an hour and then make breakfast and take showers and go to class or work looking and smelling like they just walked out of a magazine really bother me, because it confronts some deep anxiety that I have about my own laziness. Is that ultimately what this schedule-less, sleeping-in, class-missing, internet time-wasting thing is all about? Laziness? If so, how does one combat it?
When I try and become proactive about lifestyle changes, the productivity is there for about a week, and then I get bored and stop. Perhaps I just don’t like giving myself the opportunity to fail, and ultimately, I cut out success along with it. If I don’t go to class, it’s not really my fault for not succeeding– I’m sure i’m smart enough to do well, but if I “DGAF” (Don’t Give A Fuck) it, i’m somehow removed from the responsibility of ever having to succeed or fail.
Failure is scary. But not facing a challenge is, in a way, also failure. Carpe-deim that shit. Goethe said that boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
A friend told me that the best way to break the habit of laziness is to force yourself to do something–anything, for 22 minutes at the same time every single day. I wish I could resolve to do that right now but I’m honestly scared of the challenge.
But: fuck it and attack (sorry for the profanities, if my mother or any of her friends are reading this, please excuse.) If I can stick it out and do something (blog? Exercise (ha)) for a month every day, then basically anyone can do anything. This is coming from a person who is too lazy to floss her teeth every other day and thinks it’s a big deal when she does (sorry if that’s gross…)
SO: Daily blog post #1 of 30.
Posting this scares me.